I don’t often reveal my innermost feelings on this blog but today I’d like to talk about an issue that’s affected me personally – weight!
For as long as I can remember I’ve been clinically underweight, the only time I have been a healthy weight was after the birth of my first child and now.
In my school days I was extremely underweight and many thought I was anorexic. My classmates used to taunt me with the name Anna (short for anorexic). It hurt me extremely and more than once I reached the point where I felt suicidal. I would look in the mirror and feel disgusted. My ribcages would show and my collarbones jutted out and I felt I looked like a boy. I didn’t have the same curves that most of my female classmates had and it made me feel incomplete and to be honest I felt like a freak. I would avoid PE like the plague as it involved getting changed in front of the other girls. I even faked injuries and wrote fake letters from my parents to avoid having to take part. For years and years I tried to gain weight with no luck and it really knocked my confidence. When I arrived at adulthood and got to the point where I wanted to be intimate with my partner I would only ever get undressed in the dark – never with the lights on. Even my choice of clothes was affected by my weight. I particularly hated my arms and neck area so I would opt for clothing that covered this area.
My father was always very tall and slim too so I pretty much took after him. After the birth of my children I really thought I’d gain some curves but I always returned to my size 6/8 clothes and I felt a lot of despair.
The thing that always really upset me though was people’s attitides towards me. People always assumed I was intentionally that skinny even though I wished I was bigger and people would make hurtful comments and snide remarks that often brought me to tears.
It seems to be socially acceptable to call skinny people names in a way that you wouldn’t be able to about overweight people. It’s wrong and it needs to stop. All shapes and sizes should be treated with respect regardless of their size. My treatment at the hands of others has really affected my confidence and I believe it’s why I’m so painfully shy. The writing of this blog and the community I’m now a part of has helped immensely though, so for that I have to thank you all.
Finally I’m now at a weight that I’m happy with – having gained 12 kilos and I’m now a size 10/12. I feel happier but that’s just me.
What I’m really trying to say I guess is that just because someone’s slim don’t assume its okay to call them a skinny bitch and think they won’t be affected. We all have feelings whether we’re underweight, overweight or average weight. I’ve gone through a lot of battles regarding my weight just like someone who is overweight. I’ve fought my inner demons and come to the realisation that whether you weigh less than you’d like or more we all fight a similar fight!